#48 of 1,000,000

20201129 The quarantines have destroyed me. Winter and the early setting sun make me feel sick. Right now, I think I'm having a panic attack. My heart is pounding. I want to cry. I won't masturbate tonight. I miss every old place I worked. I miss the simplicity of L and the Milanese atmosphere. I don't like myself. I have no interests or passions. I want to die. I just want to start over. I'm a victim of modern society and of myself. Everything is in the past. Everything is in memories. Friendships, loves, and smiles. A hug. There's nothing left. Everything has passed and vanished. I'm thinking of going back to Milan, but reading my notes from the beginning of the year, it seems like I hated Milan back then. A tells me to look at university courses. They all seem good, yet all uninteresting to me personally. I wonder why I didn't do this five years ago. I wonder if I can really be a university student and potentially live at home until I'm 30. This 2020 has been completely wasted.